Secret Strifes: Revali
by Oblivion CST
Summary: Revali has always been known as a self-centered egoist. However, what if we delve deep into his neural cells and experience his, albeit constrained and biased, view of the world? This way, we understand how he feels. T for suggestive and big words from our pompous bird. Photo from Giant Bomb. Disclaimer: I do not own any character in this story besides some extras.
1. Prologue

_"OUCH!!"_

I felt a sore sensation.

I just concluded this imperious induction including five other people who are inferior in imperiousness to me in every plausible way.

One of them is this plump pebble. I've seen this program called "The Biggest Loser" where portly people become bony. Why isn't he there? I swear, he can crush us all if he wanted to.

Then we have this diva, this _"dominating"_ damsel. Who in their meticulous mind would let a young filly fight this…this…

Abhorrent abomination!

I have no qualms on the woman with the darker skin tone. I may be very racist towards others, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I am aware that she is the chief of her place after all, so knowing she must be serious, I think she'll be fine.

She can't beat me though.

The princess is going out with us. Again, another damsel NOT in distress. Go back to your château and catnap.

And lastly, this dimwit claims to be the best swordsman in the kingdom. Apparently, I, the best archer in written history, is a mere pawn to this attention hog, this primadonna.

I HATE THAT KNIGHT!!! I'd snap his neck off any day.

"Did you like it?" teased the living Augustus Gloop-esque statue.

"Oh _hell_ no!" the girl and I synchronously said.

"That's a yes then!" remarked the Goron. Why did I forget he was from Lethal Lava Land?

I heard a growl, then a snap.

Then, I saw lights.

Was the Goddess finally claiming me? Oh please no.

I think I zoned out.


	2. Bunker of Bane

We woke up in the Bunker of Bane.

Before Augustus Poop ruined the photoshoot, we had a chat with each other. Apparently only Link loved injections. Maybe he had down syndrome.

That would explain his silence. Was he born mute, or does he not have a Broca's area?

Nothing to ponder on.

Apparently the black woman spread her darkness to us. To heal the burns, they would inject us with elixirs.

The three of us were, to put it mildly, petrified. We all agreed the doctors cheated on their medical exam.

Firstly, can't we drink that stuff? It's bitter, yeah, but it's quicker.

And also, can't we just use something else, like Courser Bee Honey?

Mipha was first. I noticed that at the very least, her burns were gone.

But she was injected anyway.

Then _Gloopee_ was next. His resistance wasn't enough to escape the prickly needle.

Both felt dizzy, so of course, I was scared when they would inject me.

An ant bite later and we all felt drunk.

That's when I spotted the bottle they got their injection on. I read the medical name.

 _methohexital sodium_

Also known as: GENERAL anesthesia.

I gasped when I realized what that meant.

Our three bodies were spinning around uncontrollably as something beckoned for us.

We all fell face flat onto the bed.

I faded away.


	3. Formal Funeral

We woke up in formal garb.

We also woke up in a confined space.

I gasped, knowing what it meant.

The one time we are recognized by the world, other than that throne, is in a _FUNERAL_.

Were we out for that long?

I burst out of the coffin, followed shortly by Gloopie and the girl.

Of course, since we were in caskets, everyone simultaneously shrieked in panic.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! THEY'RE ALIVE! THEY'RE ALIVE!"

"HOLY DIN! HOLY FARORE!"

"HOLY SH—wait wait wait—RINE! HOLY SHRINE!"

We laughed in amusement as they all had convulsions and heart attacks.

But one was left standing.

That bastard.

That knight.

How in Din's name did this knight not care? The princess is rolling in the grass, and Urbosa's snapping, I presume to think of a plan, only prolongs their convulsions.

But of course, the knight wielding the "sword that seals the darkness," the one who peoples think is hundredfold more important than me and my bow, is left there.

And then the king came.

Shocked at what he saw, he told us about the treachery of the knights who "helped" us recuperate.

To be honest, I should be king. After all, this king is a dunce. I would execute them, not send them away!

Afterward, the king invited us Champions for a "victory" dance. What in the world has happened today?

* * *

 **A/N: Yeah…Revali's life is a mixed bag. However, new chapter!**

 **I'll be updating this series every Thursday at 8 AM EST.**

 **Shoutouts to James Birdsong, AwesomeNova, and princess6464 for liking this story, and shoutouts to EbonySum and EyeOfAmethyst09 for being my inspirations for this series.**

 **I appreciate a review to make me a better author!**


	4. Ballsy Ball Balls

I can't believe we're actually doing this.

Yes, I can fly gracefully, but that DOES NOT MEAN I CAN DANCE!

Only the fish and the blondie can dance. The chief and that knight felt awkward. And let's not start with the fat gu—

"So, how ya likin' it, Little Guy?" Speak of the devil…

The guy shook his head and motioned to reciprocal the question. The boulder reciprocated the gesture.

The king sulked since he was isolated without a partner. He tried to do the tango, but there's a reason why they say two people are better than one.

So this "dance" ended up being an awkward abstract abomination. Absolutely abhorrent.

"Retard regal royal is the king!" blurted I.

Needless to say, I should have known better.

The king came to me, waited, then turned around and left. I didn't know why until I suddenly felt sharp pain.

The king inflicted me with Ballsy Ball Balls.

In other words, he kicked my knicks.

I yelped in pain.

I must confess that the rest of the guests were restless in my pain quest.

Is it because of my late reaction?

I tumbled with a thud.

The world was spinning around me.

Then the king came and did it again.

After, the world turned black.

I can only remember "That bird, for insulting me, is an a—" before I fell.

* * *

 **So yeah, Revali's basically now hated.**

 **Also this is quite late, sorry for that.**

 **SS on Thursday and TTT on Saturday.**


	5. Reverting Round to Routine

**A/N: I'm back! Hooray! Sorry for disappearing _(for over a year)_! To pass the time, here is an SS chapter. Don't expect a TTT article for a while as I'm developing it and writing plots and other stuff. As for SS, expect me to upload one whenever school is not in the way, as this is more spontaneous (it's me writing some random stuff, then having a consultation with the thesaurus).**

 **Let's go!**

* * *

Hylia dammit.

For the fiftieth time today, I'm waking up. This time though, I wake in my own solitary quarters.

FINALLY.

No pompous plump pills to pester me at present, like that King Pig and that pile of poo.

And best of all, no horrendous half-witted Hylian.

At long last, I can finally linger, liberated from the prospect of being prim and proper and picky.

All these Champions are conundrums. Confused chuckleheads can combat like Cuccos, but I boast a bow and beautifully blast my bounty.

After all that has arisen today, I don't even know anymore.

What do they call it? "Press "F" to pay respects," I think it was?

Yeah, that applies to me.

It's feckly dark, and I'll be called for dinner momentarily.

Hopefully this day can finish sooner, so that I can revert back to normal.

If I'm still out of sorts by tomorrow…

Din bless Hyrule.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys! Again, sorry for going MIA. This does not promise regular updates, but I'm just placing it here, just for you guys to at least know I'm alive. See you next time!**


	6. The King's Kooky Keister

**A/N: So yeah, decided to update twice today to make up for my disappearance. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Champions, it's dinner time!"

Sigh.

We all hate dinner. The mermaid, the boulder, the jefe, the dogface, the diva, and myself.

Why, you inquire?

Oh, not because of the viands. It's pointless to eat what would be dead weight, but I'll let it slide. I cannot fast after all.

It's because…

OF A CERTAIN KING PIG.

"So once upon a time, I was walking around the castle…"

 _Blah blah blah bleh blih bloh bluh…_ I thought to myself. Looking at their faces, I think they're thinking the same thing.

"I went to the veranda, and I slapped my belly…"

Everyone hated the King's "sacred" stories, for they were so slow, so stupid, and so strange.

"Then I suddenly fell off! 'Oh no,' I yelped…"

His stories were so nonsensical, we would veritably wipe out our vittles so that we could scamper upstairs, away from his delusion and his hypocrisy.

"Then the Goddess granted me the power to fly."

See? But that's not the wors—

"I then sang a song. Would you like to hear it?"

Ah, Farore.

Looking at the other beings clad in blue and gray, I knew that we all didn't want to hear the King's majestic voice. We would all be protesting, had the king not made an ordinance that whoever does not allow him to do whatever he wants would be sent to the guillotine.

Weirdo.

 _I used to think that I could not go on_  
 _And life was nothing but an awful song_  
 _But now I know the meaning of true love_  
 _I'm leaning on the everlasting arms_

 _If I can see it, then I can do it_  
 _If I just believe it, there's nothing to it_

 _I believe I can fly_  
 _I believe I can touch the sky_  
 _I think about it every night and day_  
 _Spread my wings and fly away_  
 _I believe I can soar_  
 _I see me running through that open door_  
 _I believe I can fly_  
 _I believe I can fly_  
 _I believe I ca—_

"STOP IT DAD!"

Wait, what?

"Zelda! What incessant behavior is this? Why would you ask me, the best opera sin—"

"You cannot sing, Your Majesty."

"Link! You're my trusted commander and you also def—"

"You cannot sing, Your Highness."

"But Lady Urbo—"

"You need healing, King Rhoam. Healing of your brain from your insanity."

"Princess Mipha, I—"

"I dunno what's scarier, dogs or your voice."

"Uh, Warrior Daruk…"

"You cannot sing, just like any Hylian."

"What was that, Revali?"

"I apologize sir, but you cannot sing."

"Knights, you're supposed to give me unwa—"

" _I can sing, and you can't…_ "

"Kass, this is not the ti—"

"It's a no for me."

"Simon Cowell, what are you even doing her—"

" _Trolololololololololol…_ "

"Eduard Khil? But you're dea—"

" _Nah to the ah to the no, no, no_ "

"Meghan—now you're just spamming random celeb—"

" _Wimoweh a wimoweh a wimoweh a wimoweh_ "

"CURSE YOU NAYRU!"

"King Rhoam, if you continue screaming like this, terrible things will happe—"

"GO AWAY IMPAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Oh, snap!"

"AAA—wait, did Purah just—"

A notification pinged on our Sheikah Slates.

We then saw the majesty that was the King's wrath, preserved forever as a picture. Even I couldn't resist a sneer.

We looked at each other, thinking about the same thing.

"Pleeeeeeeease don't expose it—"

We exposed it.

"I will have all your heads chopped o—"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Purah laughed loudly. I swear to Din, she's worse than the king sometimes.

"Crazy Rhoam, number 1 on trending! Oh my gosh, L. O. L.!"

Yep, she's wors—

"Time to tease the King with the help of Master Revali! Wait, Master Revali? Why is there a hole in the roo—"

I locked the door, framed Rhoam's fabulous face, downed some sleeping pills, and plopped on my bed.

Finally, I can sleep for the first time this day…

ON MY OWN MERITS.

* * *

 **A/N: So that's it for today! Hopefully these two chapters will make it up. This turned out to be pretty long, what with the Rhoam complaints, but hopefully you won't be too bored.**

 **I don't know when the next chapter will be released, but hopefully it won't be next year lol.**

 **See you!**


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